Hello there void. I am feeling a bit lost again. Not the kind of lost where you can't find your way. Rather the kind of lost where you feel a bit alone on the journey. The journey from child to adult is often guided. It is protected from the real reality of life. Sure, there are bits and pieces of real life to be lived inserted here and there. Just enough to help prepare us. Then you arrive. At first the freedom mixed with responsibility is exhilarating and exciting. So much ahead. So much life to live. Then, one day you wake and you realize you are not the 20 year old you once were. (Is that really my backside in the mirror? When did it start to look so…old?) Life has come and it is here to stay. Full of so many things. Day in and day out. Take this last Sunday for example. The morning was full of the usual bed making; dressing, straightening up, breakfast. Church comes and goes. It is good. Talk of what it really means to be His. I feel moved in my soul. Worship is powerful and I feel the sacred for a moment. A jaunt to the Farmers Market is graced with a bit of rain, but to no surprise for those of us born and raised here. Home again we come. Lunch and lunch cleanup. I make my way to the couch at the kind prompting of Husband. It feels so good. It is the first time I have ACTUALLY sat on my couch in many months. (I do quite a bit of sitting on my couch during College Football season, but that is another story. I heart College Football!) Not the kind of sitting to brush hair or put on shoes, but the kind where you just sit. I sat and I sat and I sat. I watched You Got Mail and laughed and cried and remembered the first time I saw it. Of course I had photos to edit from Oldest Son's 5 year old birthday party the day before, but one cannot be idle when there are only so many hours in a day. I eventually tore myself off that couch. I helped build a LEGO Water Plane with some boys that I happened to birth. Husband made dinner and I cleaned it up. Jammies went on. Lunches were packed. Plants watered. Toys put away. Lights shut off. To bed. And we begin again in the morning. (Of course we were up multiple times in the night soothing bad dreams and scaring off monsters. The day never really ends. The responsibility never really leaves.) And so…I feel a bit alone. I know I am not. I just miss me. I miss my hobbies. My interests. My active self, not just at a gym with the masses, but out in this wonderful place we live. And every now and again. Those glimpses of me come through. Every now and again I find that time. The time to just be. Like the couch. And it all waited. It was there when I got up. Waiting. Just need to remember it is OK to sit down. OK to let go. OK to be me.
P.S. Perhaps next time we can discuss why I often wish I could scream and cry out emotions but I am simply unable? Another day. I have two boys patiently waiting to show me the "Racing Track" they built. That is my life. And if I am honest with you…with me…I really do love it.